First Trimester Recap
I’M PREGNANT WITH A BABY BOY!! I still can’t believe I’m typing those words. Truly, it feels surreal to me. I feel like there is so much information to share and so many stories to tell, but I am going to try to keep it brief for you all. Since I much prefer speaking into a microphone rather than typing out my thoughts, I released a solo podacst episode walking you through everything: when/how we found out I was pregnant, when we told our family, how the first trimester has been, and all of the questions you’re probably curious about. Listen to that episode below:
I am so eternally grateful to have gotten pregnant and for the process to have happened so quickly and easily as I know that is definitely not the case for many women out there. However, no matter how grateful I am for this miracle, it doesn’t take away from the fact that this first trimester was incredibly difficult, mentally and physically. I absolutely was not prepared for any of the symptoms or emotions I endured and I think the reality of my first trimester in comparison to the expectations I had caused for a bit of a mind-fuck, to put it lightly. I get into all of this below, but I want to also take this time to thank Joe as a partner in helping me get through all of this. Not only as my mental support, but also as my physical sidekick willing to do absolutely any errand or task I asked of him. Without him I truly don’t know how I would have made it through the days.
When we first found out I was pregnant I immediately wanted to tell the world, because you all know that I’m not great at keeping my own business to myself. However, out of respect to Joe and the fact that I knew that with sharing this information would come a lot of questions and sudden responsibility that I was not ready for, I waited until the end of my first trimester to announce. To be honest, this was extremely difficult for me. I have never in my life had to force myself to “show up” on my platform because, normally, what you see is what you get and I come on as my truest self. However, because I wasn’t ready to go through this part of my journey with you all in real-time, I struggled immensely trying to put on a happy face ever day. This may be obvious news to some of you as it was clear I somewhat fell off the grid a bit when it came to sharing. To be able to share everything with you all in as “real-time” as possible, I decided that I’d record a weekly video explaining how I was feeling and what I was going through and compile it all into a VLOG to share once I announced my pregnancy. The full video is below for you to watch.
What I originally expected would be a fun way to capture my emotions and bodily changes and excitement quickly, to be honest, took a turn to lots of struggles and complaints. I am still having a hard time with the emotions around it all because I feel a sense of guilt and shame wrapped up in sharing these struggles. I fear that I will be greeted with comments like “just be grateful you’re pregnant” or I will hurt the feelings of those who have been trying to conceive for so long and have not been able to. While my heart breaks for those going through difficult fertility journeys and I so passionately wish that it could be an easier process for anyone hoping to conceive a child, that does not change my experience. And if there is one thing I am unable to do, it is lie, sugarcoat things, and not share my truth. So, yes, while I am eternally grateful that I am pregnant and that it happened so quickly, I still feel comfortable saying this first trimester was hard as fuck and I struggled immensely. It tested my mental health in ways I never imagined possible and really put me through the ringer and back. This video shows that and you can see my pain in my eyes.
So while you may watch and think all I’m doing is complaining (which, I understand), realize that I am just trying to share my story and experience in hopes of potentially helping others feel less alone. For me, when I was deep in these emotions, I felt like I was the only one. All I saw were happy, energetic, pregnant women who had the “baby glow” and worked out through their entire pregnancy with a smile on their face. Inherintly, I compared my experience to these and felt extremely lonely in my emotions. I hope this makes sense to you and that you can respect my decision to do so.
Symptoms / Emotions
I had a slewwww of symptoms and emotions throughout my first trimester and this could be as long as a thesis paper if I really let myself get into it, but for the sake of all of your time I’m going to spare you the lengthiness and get right down to it. Here are the main symptoms and emotions I experienced:
“Morning” sickness: whoever coined this term with the word “morning” is a liar and is the reason I have trust issues. This shit lasted 24 hours a day for me. From the second I woke up til the second I went to sleep, I was naseous. Hell, even in my sleep was even some days the worst. I am not someone who typically throws up to begin with so I only actually vomited once, but I had the sensation of throw up at the back of my throat for all ours of the day. Weeks 6-9 were the absolute worst for me and coincidentally happened while I was away from home and living in New Hampshire for our (pre finding out I was pregnant) scheduled fall vacation. To be totally honest, I am so easily triggered by emotions, memories, and sense of smells that I have not been able to think about our trip since without feeling like I am immediately going to barf.
Zero interest in food: for someone who is food-obsessed and finds so much joy in meals, this was extremely difficult for me. I was disgusted by almost all food, no matter what it was. I would have a very specific craving at a very specific time and that was the only thing I could think about or eat. If it wasn’t that exact meal, I wanted nothing to do with it.
Constantly hungry: I know, this one is confusing because I just told you I hated the idea of food. But I was hungry 24/7, which made it even more difficult to bare with these naseous feelings and hatred toward the one thing that would cure my hunger.
Disgusted by coffee: I go to sleep looking forward to my morning latte, so this was a very difficult one for me. But I could not even stand the smell of coffee let alone take a sip of it. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it.
Insane sense of smell: I, quite honestly, feel like a superhero with this sense. It is absolutely insane how intense my sense of smell got during the first trimester.
Fatigue: holy hell was I tired. I could barely get out of bed most days and, when I did, it was really to just go to the kitchen to snack and then head to the couch to rest. I see some things about all these women who are working out throughout their first trimester and I think I exercised a total of 3 times over the entire 3 months. For me, it just wasn’t in the cards, and that is okay. Even going for a 10 minute walk was too draining. I honored my body and rested as much as I possibly could.
Breast soreness and growth: I experienced soreness while I ovulated so I thought I knew what this meant and felt like, but boy was I wrong. This was a whole new level of tenderness. So much so that it would wake me up in the middle of the night if I rolled over. My boobs also grew a large amount even just during the first trimester and suddenly had a mind of their own, so that didn’t help the case.
Acne: my god I have never experienced pimples like this. I have always been blessed with good skin and the past few months have been quite the turn. Obviously wearing a mask adds to this, but a lot of them were hormonal and cystic like
Saliva mouth: a very odd one that I never would have expected, but the mass amount of saliva I suddenly had in my mouth was overwhelming. Mixed with the naseous feeling and zero desire to swallow it all, I often times had a “spit cup” near me. I know, hot.
Stuffy nose / sneezing: this was really only in the mornings and nights, but it felt very similar to the onset of an allergy season and then would disappear during the day. Surprisingly I’ve read that this is pretty common!
Headaches: my dear old post-concussion friend who I thought I got rid of came back strongggg during my first trimester.
Gas: never in my life have I ever farted so much. I will leave it at that.
Constant need to pee: considering I already had a small bladder, I didn’t think it could get much worse, but boy was I wrong. I basically lived in the bathroom. I never was one to wake up in the middle of the night to go pee so this was a big change for me as I suddenly was peeing at least twice in the middle of every single night.
Vivid dreams: these were wild. I am a big dreamer and typically remember them very well (thanks to my years of dream journaling), but these dreams were absolutely out of control. Not only were they just absolutely lunatic in the sense of what was happening, but I’d wake up in the middle of the night and be convinced they were real. Quite frankly I had to talk myself out of a lot of middle of the night scenarios.
Anxiety: to no surprise, my anxiety came back with a vengeance during the beginning of my first trimester. I had just gone off my anxiety medication and felt okay until I found out I was pregnant. I think between a mix of the hormones and the overwhelming thoughts of “I’m pregnant” combined with the continuous reminder that “an anxious body isn’t a health home for a growing fetus”, it reached new levels. Not to mention I was no longer able to drink alcohol, smoke weed, or use CBD. So yea, you could say I was probably the most anxious I had ever been. Unfortunately, it got so bad that I was waking up almost every morning to a panic attack and dreading getting in bed at night because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep. Fortunately, after working with my doctors, I went on an SSRI for my anxiety (Zoloft) that they felt comfortable with me being on while I was pregnant and helped immensely.
Depression: I can’t lie to you all and say that I didn’t struggle with this. I am grateful to have a therapist I see weekly and a psychologist that I began seeing monthly to focus on this and my medication dosage, but it was still a struggle. Having my world feel like it was completely flipped on its head and as if I was living in someone else’s body was a real mind-fuck for me. I had always been so excited to be pregnant and had these wonderful expectations for what it would feel like and, frankly, I felt the complete opposite. It was a very isolating and scary feeling to wake up every morning and really feel like I was counting down the hours for the day to be over just to “get through another day”, but that was what was going through my mind most of the time. Not to mention the state of the world during this time period and the loneliness that can go into our current social distancing situation.
My First Trimester “Must Have” Products
Drinks:
Spindrift lemon sparkling water: for my severe “morning” sickness (aka 24/7 nausea), sparkling water was huge for me and especially lemon-y flavored so I relied heavily on my already favorite brand, Spindrift
Liquid IV hydration multiplier lemon lime: since drinking water was suddenly difficult for me and I really wanted nothing to do with it, I was doing everything I could to keep myself hydrated. Already a huge fan of Liquid IV, but now I am completely reliant on it. Use code “freckledfoodie25” gets you 25% off your order
Orange juice: I have no idea why, but this was all I wanted at all hours of the day. Considering I’m not usually a big OJ drinker, this was a random craving for me
Food: shockingly and sadly for me, food was something I had absolutely no interest in during my first trimester. Because I felt sick 24/7, I was pretty disgusted by most food (especially vegetables) and was on a strictly beige and carb diet. I had the most random cravings in the sense that once I had a specific meal in mind, that was all I wanted and I couldn’t think about any other food whatsoever at that time. Considering I was simultaneously hungry and nauseous at the same time, it was a true mind fuck. Here are the foods I heavily relied on:
Things that helped with my nausea and digestive tract:
Squatty potty: pregnant or not, this is a must-have for me and something I recommend to anyone who’s apartment / home I visit that does not already have one. It may not seem like this one little change in the way you sit will make a difference in your bowel movements, but trust me, it will. I hate the feeling of constipation and has always been something I’ve feared during pregnancy so this is key for me in keeping my pooping regular.
Ice roller: for when I had headaches, this was the only thing that would help. I’d sit in a dark room and rub it all over my temples and forehead
Seed synbiotic: I already loved this synbiotic and took it every day, but during pregnancy, this was huge for my digestive health. Code “Cameron15” gets you 15% off your first month’s subscription
Love Wellness Baby Love: after researching many prenatal vitamins, I decided that these were the best for me and my baby
Whether you are pregnant or not, I hope in some way this blog post was helpful to you. I am so excited to share this journey with you all in the only way I know how: honestly. I am nervous, excited, and thrilled for what is to come and I am so grateful to have experienced the miracle that is pregnancy. If you are currently struggling to conceive, I am sending you all of my love and virtual hugs. I know that there are an immense amount of “I’m pregnant” announcements happening right now and I realize how difficult those must be to consume. You are not alone, you are not broken, and you will get through this. If you are someone who is pregnant and is currently struggling with similar emotions or symptoms that I went through during my first trimester, I am also sending you love. It is isolating and difficult to comprehend, but I am hoping and believing that it will all be worth it. Again, you are not alone.