My Breastfeeding Journey
Ever since birthing my son, hands down the most frequent topic I get DMs about is our feeding schedule. “Are you breast feeding? What schedule are you following? Do you pump also?” You get the idea! Honestly, I understand why it is a popular topic to message me on. As a new mom, it is confusing as fuck. Plus, you leave the hospital and they’re all just like “good luck!”. Ummm, excuse me? I’m supposed to just take this FRESH newborn home and someone take care of him while it feels like I have ZERO idea what to do!? The feeding, specifically, threw me for a loop. How was I supposed to know when to feed him? When should he nap? How long do babies sleep for? I had about 10,000 questions. Of course, this may be also because I never read any books before giving birth, but that is a story for another time. In this post I want to focus on all things feeding and my experience thus far (I’m 11 weeks in as I write this). I want to start by making two things very clear:
My writing is shit because I have mom brain and feel constantly tired. Deal with it.
FED IS BEST! I have chosen to breastfeed, but that is not always the best option for everyone (more on that later on). It should not matter how you feed your baby, just that the baby is fed.
Let’s start from the beginning… I always wanted to try breastfeeding but was also always concerned I wouldn’t be able to because I have (or had?) inverted nipples. If you’re like “what the fuck is she talking about?” then it is clear you don’t have them! If you know, you know. If you don’t, text some friends and ask for boob pics (every friend group has at least one of us) or use the internet. Because I don’t think it is safe to assume that everyone is just magically able to breastfeed, I had formula on hand in our apartment for when we returned home from the hospital had breastfeeding not worked for us. When he was born the first thing they did was put him on my chest as I stared at him in complete awe crying tears of happiness and 10,000 other emotions. Once he was weighed, measured, and all the other important things were done, he was put back on my chest to attempt breastfeeding. This is when I was extremely grateful that I had my doula in the room since she is also a lactation counselor. She helped position me and him to work on our latch to hopefully encourage him to feed. Honestly, I don’t really remember what happened in this moment and whether he was able to or not because the entire thing is a blur. What I do know, though, is that it was super helpful to have her there and I’m not sure any of this would have been done right away had she not been with us.
Throughout the rest of our time in the hospital I continued to feed him via my boobs. What is important to note is that newborn’s stomachs are SO small so they really need only a very tiny amount at this time. Once we were settled in our postpartum room I quickly noticed, I’m sure when he was crying or trying to get on my boob I honestly don’t remember, that he had a tongue tie. I only really knew these things existed because Joe has a slight tie and I had been told they were genetic so I was looking out for it. After speaking with a few nurses and the pediatrician when they’d come in to check on him, it was confirmed that he did in fact have a tie and they encouraged us to look into getting it clipped once we left the hospital. With the combination of his tongue tie and my inverted nipples, we were definitely struggling to get a proper latch. This is one of my complaints with the hospital experience and something I know a handful of my friends also dealt with. One of the nurses happened to be a lactation counselor and she was able to help when she was doing a routine visit for my son’s vitals, but the actual lactation consultant did not visit our room until briefly before discharge. If we want to provide an environment that allows women to choose whether they want to breastfeed and set them up for a successful journey if that is their decision, then we should have assistance from the very beginning to make sure they know what they are doing. It doesn’t just *happen* as so many of us are meant to believe.
When we got home from the hospital, his stomach had obviously continued to grow and he needed more milk and was becoming more and more frustrated by the breastfeeding process because of our inability to latch. He would burst into frustrated tears while on my boob and feedings would take an incredibly long time as we continued to move positions and try to get situated. It was at this moment, 4 days in, that I was ready to give up on breastfeeding. I felt so fucking worn down, frustrated, tired, and hopeless that this would ever actually work. Joe had thankfully recorded the sessions in the hospital with the nurse explaining how to get a better latch and he helped me for each feed during day 4-6 to manually express and hold his head and try to reposition him to get a latch. Without his help, I definitely would have given up. We had our doula come for an in-person session, which was incredibly helpful, and she worked with us on figuring out how to get him to latch and introduce the nipple shields. Because I had inverted nipples, these shields were incredibly helpful in allowing him to latch. Without them, I 110% would have stopped breastfeeding within that week. I used the shields for about 2ish weeks and then eventually weened off of them as my nipples no longer became inverted (I can’t quite explain this without photo evidence but just trust me when I say it happened). In order to ween my son off of the shields I did the following:
For 3ish days I would use the nipple for the first boob of every feed and then try to get him to latch without the shield for the second boob. I found that he was fussier in the beginning because he was hungry and would get frustrated if he wasn’t able to latch immediately
After that, for another 3ish days I only used the shields for the first feeding of the day (again, only on the first boob) because that was when he was hungriest / fussiest and then any other feed closer to bed time that had him frustrated
After that, I only used a shield for a few feeds for an additional 3ish days depending on how frustrated / fussy he was being
Eventually, we were able to completely ween him off of the shields and get him to latch on his own.
Once we had the latch down, which is a huge deal and is not given enough of a warning of difficult for new moms in my opinion, I thought this breastfeeding journey was going to be easy. Ha!! Joke is on me. At some point during this time, I honestly don’t even remember when, I had mastitis. Let me just tell you, I don’t wish mastitis with a newborn on anyone. I had an oversupply of breast milk (I think partially just by nature and then also because I was inappropriately pumping in the beginning) and it seems my boobs were never fully being drained. I eventually started to notice pain in one boob and that they were getting hot to touch towards the end of the day. For two days I started to get really awful chills at night and horrendous body aches and overall flu-like symptoms and then eventually a 102 fever. My OB put me on an antibiotic and, thankfully, it was all cleared up within a day or two of being on the medication. During this time I was truly miserable. Caring for a newborn is already difficult enough, but trying to do it with awful flu symptoms and a fever? HELL. If you have mastitis, I am sending you my love. Here is what helped me:
“Dangle feeding” (feeding on all fours with your baby lying underneath you)
Epson salt baths for your nipple in a Haaka
So, mastitis and an incredibly difficult type perfecting a latch behind us, where do we stand now? Honestly, I love the physical act of breastfeeding. For me, it is fucking insane to wrap my mind around the fact that my body is physically able to create this liquid that keeps him alive. I love feeding him and cherish the moments where he is on my boob. I feel connected to him while doing it and empowered by the act. Those are the only reasons I am currently continuing to breastfeed. Cause, let me tell you, it is a lot. Sometimes I wish I didn’t enjoy doing it so that I could easily just make the call to switch to formula. The time required to fully breastfeed a baby is close to the hours of a full-time job when you look at it from an annual standpoint. Trying to manage his feeding schedule with my now work and general life has been difficult. I’ve had moments of tears and feeling like I am completely tied down to the couch (although I’ll feed anywhere) and his schedule. Plus, I fucking miss my boobs and not leaking everywhere. It also, inherently, causes a disruption in the goal of doing everything 50/50 with your partner. No matter how helpful Joe is around the house with errands, tasks, and caring for him, if I choose to breastfeed than I am the food source that is feeding him every 2-3 hours and that is not something Joe can take on. I’ve spoken about this before, but it has definitely caused times of resentment from my end and I know I am not alone in feeling those emotions based on conversations I’ve had with other new moms.
So, the question I get asked the most, “what is your schedule?”. I want to be very clear in saying that I can only share my experience, not tell you what to do! We are following the full feedings program LINK that outlines very specific feeding and sleeping schedules for the different months of a baby’s life. Personally, I need structure and a schedule when it comes to these types of things and, since I had no idea where to start, I was incredibly grateful to have someone to lead the way in telling me what to do. Here is a bit of a glimpse into our schedules:
First few days home Joe and I were doing everything together because we were terrified of doing anything alone. This also meant that neither of us were getting more than 45-60min of sleep at a time
After the first few days, we decided to divide and conquer so in that first month or so when we had multiple feedings throughout the night Joe and I would split them (he would take one and I would take the other). When Joe would feed him he’d use a bottle of breast milk that I had previously pumped. Honestly, I wouldn’t recommend what I was doing in the beginning because I was pumping way too much and that only increased the demand on my boobs and therefore my oversupply. Since your baby only needs a small amount at this time, I would try to tack on a pump to a feeding first thing in the morning or when you feel your supply is the highest.
Currently, at 11 weeks, here is what our day looks like:
7 feeds per day (1 of which is “overnight” around 5AM)
6 of those 7 feeds are directly from breastfeeding
The 7th and final feed of the day, around 7PM, is done by Joe with a bottle of my breast milk. We’ve chosen to do this because it allows Joe to have some alone bonding 1x1 time with my son and we also can then make sure he is getting a full feeding before he goes down for his longest stretch of sleep (currently this bottle is around 4oz)
I skip that 7PM feed and then make up for it by doing a 15minute pump around 9PM. This allows me to deplete my boobs before going to sleep and it is usually when my supply is the lowest. We then use this breast milk to make the bottle for the next night and store whatever remains in the freezer for later on down the road
Again, I want to be very clear that everyone’s situation is SO different so please do not take what we are doing as what you should be doing. Speak with your care team (doula, doctor, pediatrician, etc) and find what works for you. Also, take notes from your baby and his or her needs. I’ve chosen not to include specific times in this post since I am using the Full Feedings program and it is a paid product that I don’t want to undermine the team by handing out information for free. Another great option if you are looking for a schedule to follow is the book Mom’s on Call.
Now that I’ve fully walked you through my breastfeeding journey, I want to highlight a few products that have helped me along the road:
Medela In Style Pump (this is the one I got through my insurance and what I use for majority of my pumping sessions)
Elvie pump (I was #gifted this by the brand and use if I am hanging out with people during my 9PM feed and want to be wireless)
Cart that I converted into a “breastfeeding cart” to be by our couch with everything I need easily accessible + snacks
I think that is all the information I have to give right now, but please comment with any questions you may have and I can try to add the answers in to the post. I will also try to come back and update this as time goes on and our journey continues. All this to say, I am beyond grateful that my body has allowed me the choice to decide whether I want to breastfeed or not and for the moments I have with him during that time. However, it is fucking hard and a lot of work and that should never go unnoticed. I fully support any mama in doing whatever she feels is best for her child, whether that be breastfeeding, exclusively pumping, or using formula. As long as your baby is fed, it is no one else’s business. You’re doing a great job, mama.
To read about my weaning experience, check out my newer blog post My Weaning Joruney